When Family Life Feels Messy: Rediscovering Your Peace and Purpose

Hosted by Ellen Krause

When Motherhood Brings You to the End of Yourself

It’s easy to begin motherhood with big dreams of a beautiful family life—only to receive a harsh wake-up call when things are different than we imagine.

Author and homeschooling mom Jessica Smartt tells Ellen how early motherhood broke her sense of control, ushering in anxiety, depression, and the realization that she couldn’t do this alone. Yet through the exhaustion and emotional valleys, God met her with sustaining grace.

This moment of surrender didn’t end her story—it started a new one rooted in dependence and spiritual strength. When we’re honest about our limits, God reveals His limitless faithfulness.

“Other moms have probably experienced these things and dealt with it just fine. But it really rocked our ship.”

Jessica Smartt

Facing The Family Life You Have

Before we can create the family life we long for, we have to face the one we’re actually living.

Our first step is taking time for an honest self-assessment—looking at our health, our marriage, and our kids’ needs and removing what’s unnecessary without shame.

Family life doesn’t flourish by accident; it grows through intention, prayer, and decisive change. By stripping away the good-but-not-essential, we make space for what really matters.

“It takes time and courage to be honest about how you’re really doing.”

Jessica Smartt

1. What’s the actual atmosphere in our home right now?
   Identifying tensions, imbalances, what’s working (and what’s not) is a great way to start noticing areas that require a second look.
2. How are my kids really doing—emotionally, spiritually, physically?
   Checking in on sleep habits, nutrient intake, areas where your kids are withdrawing or excelling will give you insight into their needs. And if your answer to the question “how are my kids doing?” is “I don’t know“—it might be a good time to start planning a parent/kid date (keep reading for ideas!).
3. What’s my current capacity, and am I honoring it?
   Moms tend to be the thermostats of the home—if we’re not okay, the rest of the family probably isn’t thriving, either. Noticing and adjusting to your own needs is as necessary as everything else.
4. What commitments are draining us that we could release?
   Jessica suggests making a list of all your commitments, and then a list of the ones you’d commit to again today. The second list tends to be much shorter than the first.
5. What is God gently asking me to lay down or pick up?
   No podcast episode, blog post, or author knows what you or your family needs. But God does. Go to Him with your lists (see number 4) and ask what is most important.

Being Authoritative Without Being Mean

Structure and safety are some of the greatest gifts of family life that we can offer our children.

Jessica reminds us that discipline isn’t about control: it’s about care. Kids crave structure, even when they resist it, because it creates consistency and security for them.

“We are the ones that hold the keys… and it’s a kindness to show love and authority in a kind way, not mean and nitpicking.”

Jessica Smartt

One of our responsibilities as parents is to teach our children the skills they will need to succeed as adults. That includes learning how to deal with disappointment, what healthy boundaries look like (with themselves and others), and treating others with kindness.

In a world of blurred boundaries and emotional exhaustion, choosing to lead with both strength and tenderness helps our homes feel safe and steady. Holding the line with grace is not only possible—it’s powerful.

1. Choose 2–3 non-negotiables for your home and enforce them consistently.
   It’s okay to choose your battles. Just make sure they’re worthwhile and consistent. Confusion isn’t helpful for you or your kids.
2. Use calm, clear consequences—not threats or emotional reactions.
   Maybe hitting leads to being set down instead of carried. Maybe not listening leads to shorter screen time. Whatever the issue and whatever the consequence, make sure it makes sense and isn’t chosen out of anger or frustration.
3. Remind yourself that holding boundaries is a form of love.
   Your main job as a parent is not to make your kids happy: it’s to keep them safe.
4. Show affection to your kids, even when redirecting them.
   Giving your kids a hug and telling them that you love them when you can tell they’re upset at a boundary reminds them that you’re still on their side. A clear explanation goes a long way, too!
5. Ask God daily for wisdom and gentleness as a leader in your home.
   Ultimately, only God is the perfect Parent. He loves to grant His children wisdom (James 1:5)—don’t be afraid to ask for it!

Tech, Screens & the Soul of Family Life

One of the biggest issues parents face is the question of appropriate technology use. How much screen time should I give my kids, and at what age? Should I give my kid a phone?

It’s easy for disagreements about technology creep in and take over our family life—but it doesn’t have to. Jessica offers heartfelt, practical wisdom on how to keep screens in their place by focusing on what truly gives life: real connection, real play, and real presence.

She shares her family’s slow, intentional approach, reminding us that we can say no when it matters most. Family life flourishes when screens serve us, not the other way around.

“Screens are a tool and they are useful, but they’re a small part of life… especially when they’re little, it should be a very, very small part of life.”

Jessica Smartt

Redeeming Mistakes & Starting Fresh

If you’ve already handed over too much tech—or feel like you’ve messed up in any area of family life—take a deep breath. Jessica reminds us that nothing is beyond redemption. With humility, honesty, and courage, we can course correct and realign our homes with God’s best.

Family life doesn’t have to be perfect to be purposeful—just loving, listening, and willing to change.

4 Steps to Pivot in Family Life

• Recognize what’s not working
• Repent honestly and openly to your kids
• Reset expectations and boundaries
• Rely on God’s grace to rebuild trust and rhythms

Building Intentional Time

In a world of chaos and packed calendars, Jessica offers a refreshing call to intentional family life through simple traditions, mealtimes, and memory-making rituals.

Whether it’s Saturday morning breakfasts or theme nights, consistent rhythms become anchors that shape your children’s hearts. These aren’t just “extra” things—they’re how family life is formed, one sacred moment at a time.

1. Weekly family dinners
   Don’t rush to clean up afterward, and choose something to make it special—maybe a favorite meal or extra tasty dessert, family catch-up questions, or something else you know your kids will love.
2. Saturday morning pancakes
   Choose one day a week that you can set aside for a slow morning together. Put on a favorite cartoon, whip out the chocolate chips, and start the day as a family.
3. Birthday rituals
   Small traditions like balloons, the whole family sharing their favorite thing about the birthday boy/girl, or special crafts will create memories they’ll always cherish.
4. One special annual family outing
   It doesn’t have to be expensive or even far—a trip to the museum followed by a dinner out is sometimes all it takes to form a memory that will last a lifetime.
5. End-of-day “special time”
   For ten minutes at the end of each day, let each kid choose something they want to do with you before bed—whether that’s playing dolls, throwing a baseball, or giving updates on their video game progress. It’s a good way to stay involved in your kids’ lives and interests.

Want even more of this conversation? Bonus content is posted every week on the Coffee and Bible Time Community!

What Makes A Home

A peaceful home isn’t about perfect decor or argument-free halls—it’s about building a place of belonging.

Jessica reminds us that family life thrives when each child feels deeply seen and genuinely loved. From one-on-one dates to noticing the little things that light up your kids, the soul of the home is connection. Even small acts of thoughtfulness—like setting a favorite snack on a pillow—build a legacy of love.

“Home is the place you can go when you don’t have the answer. Home is the place you can laugh through the tears, rest when you’re weary, hunker down when you’ve made a mess of things. Home is the place where you’re loved, where you’re safe. This kind of home, this kind of family is powerful. Strong families like this will save the world.”

Come On Home: A Grace-Filled Guide to Raising a Family Who Loves (and Likes) Each Other

When Family Feels Frayed

Even in a loving home, family life can get off course. Resentment, discontentment, or simple exhaustion are things that can go unnoticed, but quietly erode connection.

Don’t let those feelings fester—bring them into the light. God invites us to rebuild with His strength, and even just naming the struggle is a great place to begin.

5 Heart-Checks for a Fraying Family Life

• Am I holding bitterness about my role at home?
• Have I spent personal time with the Lord recently?
• Do my kids feel like I enjoy them—or endure them?
• Have I asked for help or support if I’m struggling?
• What’s one small shift I could make this week?

It’s Never Too Late

Whether you’re parenting solo, starting new with a blended family, or coming from a place of deep wounds, Jessica offers this freeing truth: it’s never too late to build strong family life.

Through her friend’s story, she reminds us that with God’s grace, support systems, and a good sense of humor, a thriving home is still possible. Start where you are. Focus on what you do have. Even small, intentional steps toward connection can leave an eternal legacy.

“I know of a lot of families where the mom either was a functional single mom or was a single mom and still built wonderful, precious memories and a strong family.”

Jessica Smartt

The Wise Woman Builds Her House

Our world often feels chaotic or disheartening; don’t let your family life get torn down with discontentment or bitterness.

Instead, through surrender, prayer, and small daily choices, we can be women who build—who shape homes of peace, love, and strength. Whether you’re overwhelmed, weary, or wondering if it’s too late, know this: God can always begin something new in your family life.

The wise woman builds her house,
    but with her own hands the foolish one tears hers down.

Proverbs 14:1

Resources

Jessica’s recommendations:

NIV One Year Bible
A Praying Life
Audio Bible [Google] [Apple]